respectorcist | don't play me like that

I am so fucking tired of human beings tonight. I am ready to break dishes and slap people and I'm not even going to pretend to be appalled at myself or pretend like throwing a tantrum doesn't help. It helps. It makes me feel better.

I am so fucking tired of every person close to me treating me like shit because I allow it. I am so tired of them bringing their trifles to me and acting like I should care at this point. Don't act surprised and upset when I tell you to get out of my face because you want to be passive aggressive about the omg three hours you spent cleaning the house today because I haven't been keeping up on chores. You know why I don't care about chores. I don't care because when people are depressed they don't care. You know I'm depressed even if I try to keep it to myself. You even know why I'm depressed.

I am dirt poor because I just spent two months without work because I almost lost my ability to walk for life. I have lost both of my grandparents. I have had to call the cops to arrest my cousin for domestic violence because he punched his girlfriend because he told me he wanted to go to prison or he would commit suicide because the only people who ever treated him kindly in his life were my dead grandparents. I have lost my oldest pet. I am still paying off a useless college degree and a car loan for the car that I never get to drive because someone else always needs to borrow it. My father is a drug addicted illegal immigrant that left before I was old enough to know what a father was because my mother chased him away and refuses to admit her problems and seek the serious psychiatric help that she needs. The mother who also abandoned her family over a man and who now only contacts us when she needs something again.

I'm depressed because I can't say any of this out loud to any of you because you're all I have left to depend on in the world and I can't risk you taking that away from me, too.

You know why I say 'no' when you ask if I want to watch a movie after I get home from my job or work in the garden before I leave for it or anything that doesn't involve me, in throbbing physical pain, sitting alone and trying to pretend I don't feel sorry for myself.

I feel sorry for myself and I am not ashamed so fuck all of you.